I don’t know what love is.
I love my parents, my sister, my family.
I love my friends.
I love to read, and write, and create music
But, I don’t know what I mean when I say “love”
An overwhelming sense of adoration I suppose? A feeling that I just can’t explain? I don’t know.
I love to read romance novels, chick lit, all that jazz. I like to listen to sappy songs sometimes. I am immersed in a world so experienced with love, so clouded with the comprehension of love that I never really think about its sentimental value. I admit that when it comes to love, I am lost in my own shell of oblivion at times.
I see my friends enter relationships with their faces bright and excited. I watch them smile more often, and dance all the time. I also see them cry and pick at their skin in the mirror while tugging on their clothes or staring at their face for hours looking at non-existent blemishes. I then watch my friends walk out of relationships with faces of despair or relief.
I sit and I wonder, will I really be ready for that kind of emotional turmoil? Can I handle the ups and downs?
I have a fear of roller coasters and I’m afraid of stepping onto an emotional ride that I have not fully buckled myself into.
I guess I’m hesitant about the over romanticization of love; it’s like the label of being in a teenage relationship is the must have thing nowadays. I look all over social media and there are photos of couples, of romantic moments, and if not, there are posts of people longing for a significant other. And it’s this overexposure to love and relationships that diminishes the sincerity of love. There are couples who recite the words “I love you” as if it’s a mandatory action that they need to say to each other every day. Many of them are platonic and superficial, and I guess a lot of my hesitancy comes with the fear of finding that sort of love; a love based on false terms.
I’m scared, because even during these fickle teenage years I still want to find love. I don’t want to go into a relationship with someone that’s forced, platonic, or unsentimental just because I want to feel “loved.” I know it takes time to find someone I truly adore because my love for my family still continues to grow throughout my life and my love for music has developed over the course of ten years. It’s hard work to love. But sometimes it can hit you right in the face and you aren’t prepared. Sometimes, you just have to accept the wait or the spontaneity.
I admit that I’m afraid of love and afraid to enter a relationship. I don’t want to force myself into it, but I don’t want to sit and wait forever, hoping it’ll hit me one day.
My friends look at me like I’m crazy, that I’ve never really been in a relationship. But I smile and shake my head, because love hits everyone at different times and at the moment I’m content with sitting and watching the world spin for a while.
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