I’m glad to hear that you’re starting to recover but I can also tell that you’re conflicted and that’s honestly completely understandable considering what you’re facing, it’s not an easy question! And frankly it’s not an easy answer either so I hope that I can help lead you in the right direction even if I can’t provide a concrete answer.
One thing that I really want to address is that there is so many feelings, thoughts, opinions and considerations that come with your question. Which makes it extremely personal. This means that I can outline some ways to approach your question but I can’t solve it. Because from what I can tell you want to feel comfortable, and the negative thoughts and emotions you have are in your comfort zone. So figuring out how to feel comfortable feeling good with your mental illness or even figuring out IF you want to feel good about it is a struggle in itself that can’t be solved in one go. But, I am so happy to say there’s so many ways you can go about facing this struggle.
From what you’ve told me you’ve gone through a lot to have made it to this stage and I want to recognize how much strength and resilience you’ve shown to have made it this far through all your challenges! So I’d encourage you to hold onto that desire to fight on even through this confusion and uncertainty. If you’ve been struggling to answer questions like this in the past maybe you could look back at what’s helped you clear up your thoughts with similar questions. And if you can’t seem to think of anything that might help you get over it I’ll try offering a few options that could maybe work for you.
Some people find a lot of clarity by talking with the people they love and trust like a family member, friend, counselor or anyone close enough. Through conversation, even just feeling heard, we often sort out a lot of our own thoughts and emotions. And if you can’t think of anyone to talk to remember that here at ConnecTeen we’re always open to talking things out or even connecting you with other help. Taking time to yourself doing things you love is another great way to clear your head. Sometimes that can mean taking a walk, journaling, listening to music or watching TV. No matter the activity, if it’s having a positive emotional impact and isn’t causing any harm then it’s a good chance to look at yourself and what you’re feeling without the negative thoughts blocking the way.
I know it’s never easy knowing what’s best and I’m sorry I couldn’t answer that part. But I hope that you can even just gain a starting block to figuring out what will put you where you want to be.