Thank you very much for your question. Sending your question here is a really big step. It sounds like you’re going through a lot, I would like you to know that I strongly admire your courage. First of all, your safety and well-being is extremely important to us. If you have thoughts of suicide, please get help. One way to do that is to call us here at 587-333-2724.
I can see that you’re feeling pretty overwhelmed and conflicted. Honestly, I don’t blame you. Philosophers have been struggling to answer this question for thousands of years. Why are we here? What do our lives mean if they’re going to end anyways? Many people live their lives without addressing this fundamental question, but you seem to have taken on the challenge of facing it head-on. This is not an easy thing to do! I can’t tell you what your life means, as much as I want to help. You’re not crazy for questioning this. There are lots of ways that people do find meaning in their life even when they choose to face this question. There is hope that you will too, even if you’re in a dark place right now.
If you’re really struggling with the philosophical question of finding meaning in your life, you might be interested in reading up on the idea of ‘overcoming nihilism.’ Nihilism is just the philosophy word for not finding meaning in life, and there are some understandable YouTube videos that could explain it for you. It might be nice to hear the opinions of people who struggled with the meaning of life before.
Some people find the most meaning in the valuable relationships they have in their life. It might help to discuss your feelings with someone you trust. I know it can be intimidating to open up to someone… That’s probably why you sent in an anonymous question! But it can really take some weight off your shoulders to feel understood by someone who supports you. You’re dealing with a very tough situation, and you don’t have to face it alone. Whether this person is a good friend, a parent, a teacher/counsellor, a support group, even a member of your faith, help can be found in unexpected places. You won’t know the support around you until you try.
Finally, there is a large emotional component to what you’re going through. I would encourage you to reflect on your own feelings and thoughts to find what’s important to you. Even if it’s something small, little things can brighten the day and possibly bring some meaning to your life. A good way to do this is to take care of yourself and do what makes you happy. Personally, when I have a lot of conflicting emotions or question meaning in my life, I like to write everything I’m thinking down on paper. Sometimes if I write for long enough, I feel like I’ve learned more about the problem and about myself. Otherwise, it can really help to get outside and go for a walk to get out of your head. I really hope you find something that helps you find purpose and happiness in your life.
With all this in mind, I hope you’ll find something in here that helps you. Again, if you are feeling suicidal and it’s becoming urgent, please seek help. If you’re ever having problems, please call or message us here at ConnecTeen. We’re always happy to talk.