What is wrong with me?

girlalone

Author: MinunĀ 

Spoiler Alert: Absolutely nothing.

Lately, I’ve been doing some thinking while listening to YouTube videos about confidence, since it’s an area that I need to work on, and I would like to share some epiphanies I’ve been having.

I come from a cultural background that seems to be very critical and focused on appearances, whether physical appearance or how we act in front of others. As a result, while I was growing up my parents and sometimes my siblings would be pretty harsh towards my looks and personality, and I would constantly get a sense of:

“What is wrong with me?”

There has to be a reason why I’m always being criticized, so what’s wrong with me? What’s causing others to look at me this way? Well, I’ve figured it out, and I want you dear reader to really take this in. The problem was in my family, the problem is in other people, it’s outside of us. Sure nobody is perfect and I definitely wasn’t a model, but I didn’t have a problem with how I looked. My parents did, and their concern stemmed from what other people would think when they saw my imperfections.

It’s all about what other people think. Why do we put so much value on what others think? We’re not even mind-readers, so we don’t know what they think, but we create an illusion in ourselves that they will focus on our flaws and will only have negative thoughts towards us.

This feeling of “What’s wrong with me?” comes from what others think, or what we think others will think. What about what you think? For example, I have pretty noticeable acne scars on my chest, but I also love wearing tank tops and v-necks that incidentally expose some scars. I feel comfortable, up until the point where my parents look and magnify the problem telling me I “look terrible.” Not even kidding, they said that.

My parents are so worried about what others will think of me when or if they see my scars, that they forgot to ask me how I feel.

Let that sink in a bit, they cared more about what strangers thought than what I thought. Sounds ridiculous, right? But this happens all the time, we think and worry so much about what others will think about us that we forget how we feel and think.

So the question was never, “what’s wrong with me?” the questions is, “Why do I care so much about what others think of me, when I’m fine with how I am?”

This is something that I ask myself a lot now, especially about things that are outside of my control, like my scars. The answer for me is simple: “I shouldn’t care about that stuff, because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me.”

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